This Is Crazy

My head is going to implode. I wonder what that actually looks like? Probably better that an EXplosion of a head, yes?

All your insanity is stuck inside and no one has to clean it up. They just burn you and scatter you.

Wow, Erin. That was morbid. Even For you.

I am waiting. Still waiting. Tonight was the night and they pushed it back til tomorrow. There is so much going on. On TOP of a bone marrow transplant. AS IF THERE COULD BE MORE.

My primary source of anxiety is no longer infection. It is graft versus host disease. For this, Ashton has been receiving ATG. It reduces transplant-related mortality. Just typing that makes my breath catch.

His donor and Ashton will finally be ready tomorrow.

I went home last night, thinking tonight was THE night. I ate watermelon with salt and disappointed people. I thought it was a good night, but not so?  That’s what I do. I disappoint people. I disappoint even when I don’t know I’m doing it.  I even disappointed the asshole who turned off my water this morning right when I was about to take a shower and I marched outside into a construction zone to have a word with him. Yeah. I’m sure he was disappointed. I’m sure the people on I-75 were also disappointed when I swerved over 3 lanes to the side to park cause I was crying so hard I could not see. They say you have not lived if you have not disappointed someone. Well, I have lived a li’ bit.

I am barely living.

If I make time for you, even for a facebook message, you are one of the chosen few. If I spend precious, precious moments with you outside of this hospital, boring as they may be, staring at a garden, sitting on a porch, grocery shopping, with my head on your lap, where do you think that puts you in the line-up? I’d say, pretty high up there.

My children started school this morning. Lily, high school. Blaise, Junior High. I have NEVER not been there. Again, a disappointment. That’s why I have this postcard taped to my wall in the hospital so I see it right when I wake up. It says:

“SUCCESS IS THE ABILITY TO GO FROM ONE FAILURE TO ANOTHER WITH NO LOSS OF ENTHUSIASM”

~Winston Churchill