Some of it has been warranted (I feel). I have been pretty mean to people. Again, some of it has been warranted. I felt marginalized before I went ahead and SUPER MARGINALIZED myself because I felt marginalized. Does that even make sense? I could have handled it much differently. I could have sat down with the important people in my life and explained why I feel hurt and jealous about certain things instead of allowing them to turn in to rage. I wanted my babys’ ashes back from the sky because I FELT (does not mean it’s true) that it was not acknowledged that I opened his urn and gave people his ashes. Maybe I am thinking of it wrong. Maybe I am just a selfish person.
At times I have just been downright nasty. I have been using alcohol in Durango to numb out from the feelings of being out of control of literally everything. Well, that is over now. It hurts a lot more now. I was beginning to lose more (Cowboy). I was mean to him too. Truth is, I am very afraid. There are no apartments for rent and no jobs.
My daughter suggested I make a list of the things I accomplish.
Today I…was nice.
Today I…smiled at a couple of people.
Today I…became open to the fact that I may not be able to make this work.
Today I…acknowledged that I am an asshole. It is not just the opinion of some of my loved ones. I really am a mean person when I feel hurt and afraid.
Today…I cried, but I did not scream at the edge of a river and scare any fish.
Today…I allowed myself to be comforted.
Today I laughed very hard and then felt guilty for it. Today I felt guilty for existiuicideng.
This is a wonderful beginning, Erin- I know this will be a long & arduous process. You will put yourself, Ashton, and all those who were there for the whole world to see, to feel, and possibly gain some insight into what it’s like to walk over the hot coals that came up daily..( sometimes hourly, sometimes minute to minute). I believe in YOU, AND ASHTON’S story, now is the time to tell it, and you have begun!
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