Mommy?

Yes, Ash?

Will you come over here and cover me with hugs and kisses?

I thought, perhaps, I had entered the wrong room after fetching ice early this morning. Anyone who has had the privilege of even an hour of this journey with Ashton knows those words have never been uttered. He is more apt to say I HATE YOU. GET OUT OF HERE. I AM TWYING TO SWEEP! STOP TALKING.

So, I double-checked our room number and his wrist band. Sure enough, it was my boy. I am on such a high dose of anti-depressants I rarely feel anything at all, I’m like ROBOT MOM (but I get shit done). When he said that, I happened to turn my head and see the sunrise pink all over Cincinnati from our new window and I felt a moment, I keep feeling moments since the GvHD. They are pleasant and unpleasant all at once. They are both beautiful and sickening. I can only describe it as knowing this is a place I can never go back to and being so frantically aware that I am frozen. I am helpless.

I went to him, of course. He must have been dreaming because I said, “How many kisses do you want?” and he growled at me. I kissed him anyway. I said, “How about 42?” He growled a little louder. I said, “Ok, ten.”

I kissed him fast ten times and he swatted at me, eyes closed, still curled on his side, cuddled up with Bunny.

I don’t mind being growled at. I have been worried since Thursday that he has not been pissed off. I count on him being pissed off. It shows me he still has the fight. When he came out of anesthesia for the first time in 6 months like a lamb (oh, he is ALWAYS a LION) I was concerned. I want him to get angry again.

This is NOT the time to drop your weapon, boy. If I could, I would carry you. You are going to have to hold on to that big spirit inside of you. You have your incredibly strong, willful, stubborn father and your not-so-wimpy, incredibly stubborn, willful, mean<that’s what I hear anyway, mother all wrapped up inside you. You are not one to just roll over and give up. You can’t let me win at Tic-Tac-Toe or Go Fish. You are a WINNER through and through. You will win even if we have to get a space shuttle and you and Bunny and I can live in a bubble on Mars.

#WINNING