When Ashton was first diagnosed I tried to make contact with Bruce, the man Penny made me with. Bruce kinda said, hey, that sucks.
Bruce has never met Ashton. He has not seen Lily or Blaise since they were…?7 and 4? They don’t even remember him. Heck, I barely remember him. It was a lot easier to “break up” with him because he lives very far away and honestly I have no ties to him.
It’s been different with Penny because she is very close to Ashton. My older kids don’t really know her but Ashton does and she has been very good to him. It is unfortunate, to say the least, that this crazy time in Ashton’s life has forced me to make some crucial decisions of my own. Only because I have had to hear SO much and SEE so much and FEEL so much I didn’t even have anything left in me to feel any of the old stuff like family of origin crap. So much went to the wayside.
Some kept lurking.
I’ve had to grow up and just be a woman. I have set major boundaries, from house keys to people who want wear their shoes in my house or smoke in my house or do drugs in my basement. And I have had to be mean because I have just been a big fat codependent wimp for like 7 years. And I have lost people. I have had to learn to toughen my hide again. I swear I was tougher as a teen! I have been slowly weeding out the people who make me feel crazy. There were not many. Only three. ok, maybe 4.
I swear on a stack of Bibles, cause that seems to be the only thing anyone believes, even in a court of law. I would never keep my son from his family.
Anyway, I finally made a break today from number four and I plan to stick to it so I can be a better, healthier person. A more peaceful person. We will find ways to deal, much like a divorce has occurred. Today is a sad day.
On a medical note, Ashton just had an ultrasound on his kidneys. He has had a viral infection for some time. Yesterday was a good one. Today is a down one. Up. Down. Up. Down. AnC 3000. But they are baby neutrophils which can barely make pus, much less fight infection. Watching his lungs…something is awry, not yet sure what. Rapid breathing and snoring. Watching his BP. It gets high. Still lots of vomit. diapers…:( Humilation of the utmost when 4 people are watching him get cleaned up.
He cried yesterday cause like a dumbass he heard me talking about us having to move to Cincy ( leaving our home). He will miss his “Fwinds”. Today feels like a heartbreaking day.
I love you so much and wish I could do so very much more….
I hug from afar….
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