In The Beginning

This is meant to be a sort of train-of -thought exercise about Ashton’s earlier years. I want to start putting together a memoir of this time and it needs a beginning: like, how did he get here?

I was content with two children at the age of 34.  Totally content. I was using birth control (sorry, TMI, but it’s part of the story, after all if you are reading this you likely know where babies come from. Here’s more TMI: I got a cyst on my forehead. I have a scar there now. I was injected with something? I forget what. Directly in to the cyst. It was the ugliest thing. I was also put on big antibiotics to combat the infection on my FACE.

Here’s what I never knew: I rarely used bc as it just wasn’t really necessary and also I don’t like the side effects. I never read the fine print, ever. I don’t read the fine print on anything. Apparently. antibiotics can undermine bc. Ok, then.

One day, I started to feel like I did with Lily and Blaise, like I was losing my mind and the grass was too green and butterflies were too noisy, otherwise known as pregnancy. Early pregnancy for me was a different form of insanity each time.

So, I pee’d on a stick at a Starbucks. Immediately, I said, “yes”. I knew it would be a lonely trip. So, I gained 50 pounds while taking Lily and Blaise to lots of movies over the winter. Lots of chips and cheese dip. Lots of movies by myself. Just lots of movies. (eating fake melted cheese in the dark is Heaven while you’re pregnant. Then eating more of it while you go directly to another theatre). There is no other time in your life when this is tolerated.

There were some scary moments. Nausea was so bad there were ketones.  I was admitted only once for that.  I fell down the stairs once. His heart rate was bad. There were early contractions. There was horrible anxiety and attacks in the night. How many times was I hospitalized completely alone? I don’t recall. There were so many tears. I was so lonely and felt very afraid. I was losing our home. I was going bankrupt. I tried for jobs, but even though it’s illegal to discriminate, I was a burden, at any job however menial.


I proceeded to lose and gain many people and material items over a period of years .

And then came the night he was born. My face was balloon-like, I had horribly dyed hair. Newborn care quickly came back to me. But, this time I was flying the plane alone except for every other weekend on Saturdays without overnight visits with his father. Overnight would come when he was old enough to be away. I remembered the times when I was married and my children would cry out in the night and I had the option of saying, “your turn”.  I also know I am not unique in this experience.

We had a long haul since then. Too be continued…sweet boy want to play Monopoly and the playroom is closed.

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