If you’ve lived any length of time over memory, at some point you were probably “broke”. For me, yes. Both financially and metaphorically. I don’t easily lean on people who have not experienced at least one.

I was broke from a young age and truly vowed my children would not experience even a glimpse of what I saw and endured. I came through the other side with compassion for others, an intuition which I largely ignore except when it comes to mustaches, and a huge reason to not trust a living soul on this planet. Except for my children.

To some degree, Lily is broke. I hate to say that, but it’s true. She was the first I made a promise to: Ye shall not be broken before your time. It’s been referred to as the Nine Year Change: at age nine, the girl will either keep “playing” like a kid or begin to “play like an adult.” I really thought we were free and clear. What Brian and I got is a very intuitive, very adult child who understands all things adult. And she builds snow forts. She is still a child. I cannot begin to imagine the INFINITY which is hers.

Blaise: well, he thinks he has us all fooled in to believing he is still a child at age ten. He actually told me, “Mom. I just nod and smile. That way you leave me alone.” oookaaay.< that kid will never be broke. You will see the movies in which he acts and directs and films. He will not be in a cubicle. If someone tries to put him in one, well, God Bless them. (HAAAA!)

Ashton: As much as Lily is an amazing athlete and Blaise is steadfast in his way up the Karate belt ladder, this child is an athletic scholarship waiting to happen. ( ouch)

That’s difficult to write when he hasn’t really moved all day and when he did he asked to be carried. He is maintaining his weight via tube, but he is a mere 38 lbs at age 5.

Back to being “broke.”

I thought my heart was irrevocably broken at age 20. When I consider this now, two days from 43, I stifle a laugh.

Your heart breaks the very moment you bring a child in to the world. This is due to your heart being completely open for the first time in your entire life. Thus, heartbreak will inevitably occur. That child will sleep through the night for the first time and you will cry. That child will lose a tooth and you will consider saving all the teeth for a tooth necklace because you can’t throw away teeth.

There was a point.


I see him being broken and healed in the same place. He has to be broken in order to heal, in fact.

Forgive me, but I’m drawing all sorts of parallels to life outside the hospital room.







  1. Wendy


    I love your blog and read it daily. You really are an excellent writer! Perhaps when all this craziness is behind you, you can edit and publish it to help and inspire others! You are so much stronger than you realize! Ashton is a lucky boy to have a mom like you! Scott would be so proud and wishes he could help both of you in person. Rest assured, his comfort is coming from above. I continue to pray, cry and send positive vibes your way! Stay strong for that precious little boy and know it’s okay to run away, cry, and take time for yourself, as well!

    Wendy <3

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