Good Morning, Ashton! ( I Hate You, Mom)

Some types of chemo have a distinct affect on behavior. Today has proven that this round is REAL. Without revealing too much, he has been on medications to help him cope psychologically for weeks now. Both have been very effective. We are in a new world now with these new chemotherapies.

It started 12.5 hours ago and everything has changed. He endured his chemo without the pre-meds because he refused them. (dangerous)

He is so badly bruised because his platelets are at 7, and again, he needed pre- meds to avoid a bad reaction ( which he has had before) and he refused. When I say ” refuse”, I mean, kicking, screaming, hitting, turning purple and a danger to himself. He actually pulled his central line OUT while receiving platelets today. This went on for hours SEVERAL times today.

Now, we have a behavioral therapist 24 hours a day in the room. A SAFETY therapist. First they said  it would be 12 and  when Ashton went to sleep the guy left. Then, just now a new person came in and he just sits here all night to make sure he doesn’t yank out his line. I think it’s a bit overkill but anyone who witnessed today, even 15 minutes of it, would want to cover their asses.

We finally got him to take the medicine to protect his liver and he promptly threw it up so he has been taken off oral meds altogether. Everything is being switched to IV.

I feel so neglectful of everyone and everything else in my life. I love my Blaiser and my Lily. I’m so glad they do not have to see this. Someone day this will just be a story and we will be a family again.

As it stands right now, we have so many specialists. We will get through this no matter what when he is 10.5 we will get the  ALL CLEAR  and we won’t ever worry about cancer again. I love you, my kids, all three. equally and from all angles and forever and no matter what. Even if you hate me.



  1. Miriam

    There are no comforting words that come to mind. Just know that you and Ashton are in my thoughts and prayers.

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