Independence Day July 4th, 2014 He has seen fireworks before, of course. This night, he and I are alone at the West Milton fireworks display. The crowd is buzzing and rough around the edges. He’s not wearing his mask since we are outside and I want him to feel normal, not stand out … [Read more…]
What little gem would he have made for me at school? Maybe a pinch pot. He would have painted it red or blue. He would be my first grader. He does say he goes to school in Heaven. I know this because last Mother’s Day he gave me flowers. That likely sounds delusional because … [Read more…]
I don’t want to do this anymore without you. I want back every second I was selfish. Every moment I did not spend with you. I think I am entering a new phase. Bargaining. Cause apparently I have been pretty angry lately. And it shows. I’m starting today to make deals. What do I have … [Read more…]
Some of it has been warranted (I feel). I have been pretty mean to people. Again, some of it has been warranted. I felt marginalized before I went ahead and SUPER MARGINALIZED myself because I felt marginalized. Does that even make sense? I could have handled it much differently. I could have sat down with … [Read more…]
You think I have PTSD? I don’t have time to have PTSD because I have been concerned with YOU. I became homeless the day after my son’s Memorial. My family was down the block while I was with my significant other who is about to leave me and my best friend who will never leave … [Read more…]
But you did choose to log on. It is said, if you lose a parent you have a collection of memories to draw from. Assuming that parent lived in to old age, it is the natural course of things, even if it was tragic. They lived a long fulfilling life, I hope, I hope. For … [Read more…]
ASHTON TYLER CARLEY TRENT 2.28.09-11.11.14 I became aware/hyper-aware of this sequence of numbers from the time I became pregnant with Ashton. My primary emotional support at the time came long-distance from my best friend, Stephanie as well as my mother. It was common for Stephanie and I to exchange texts twice a day when we would … [Read more…]
I decided to start blogging again at 2:14 am on December 22nd. I knew it was going to be a long night of infomercials and writing is a great way to combat them. I have not been able to write in weeks. Rather, I have felt I have nothing to offer and have likely lost … [Read more…]
You may feel: nausea, headaches, sweating, shortness of breath, weakness, exhaustion, insomnia. Me: yes to all of the above. The Grief Digest makes the following suggestions as a solution: Take a bubble bath. No Go for a walk. No Do a jigsaw puzzle. No Stroll through the mall. No. Buy yourself an ice cream cone. No … [Read more…]
Poorly. This is the opposite of good. Plus, I am poor. It appears I am handling this poorly. This is because I show no emotion, even while reels of images storm through my head and the only thing to stop them is Netflix. I will always remember you, Netflix. You have been here for me for … [Read more…]